


Reminisce

by Liddolyesplease



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Hurt, I'm mean to Erwin I know I em sorry, Regret, Reminiscing, Soldier!Reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:35:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29532810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liddolyesplease/pseuds/Liddolyesplease
Summary: So he demoted you. In mere seconds, you went from being the person who owned his heart, to another replaceable soldier.
Relationships: Erwin Smith/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 58





	Reminisce

**Reminisce**

* * *

**Summary** : So he demoted you. In mere seconds, you went from being the person who owned his heart, to another replaceable soldier.

* * *

**Pairings** : Erwin/Reader

 **Genre** : Angst, Death, Why am I not nice to Erwin, regrets

* * *

It’s night time, with a full moon and peaceful sky. The stars are sparkling a little, accompanied by a peaceful silence Erwin hasn’t experience in a while. If he was still a cadet, he would grab a beer and sit on the roof, maybe with some of his friends, and bask in the view.

But alas, his cadet days are long over. Now, he’s the Commander of The Survey Corps. His own wants and needs are at the bottom of the priority list, his work comes first, which is why he’s in his cramped office, mind on the next expedition and it’s requirements.

Erwin sits in his office, dimly lit by a few candles. His hands don’t stop as they continue to write, scribbling on the pages without pause. He looks like his usual self; the untouchable, always composed commander.

Nothing can get past him, nothing can make him panic. It’s well known that hardly anything has ever phased him, even since before he became the commander. It’s why he’s considered to be the best at his job.

But there are signs, signs of a weary man. Someone struggling to keep it all in, to not let out how awful he’s feeling. Erwin knows himself well enough, he knows when he exhibits those signs. It’s usually on nights like these that he has no choice but to acknowledge the overwhelming guilt he feels and give in to the urge to reminisce.

His hands are trembling a little as they write, his hair is slightly messy, from his running his hands through it so much. His foot lightly taps against the wood of the desk, and his face is more grim then neutral. If anyone who truly knew him took a closer look, they would see that he wasn’t doing well.

Erwin sighs, putting the pen down. He knows no one is near by, no one who can see him break down a little. So he allows himself to lower his walls, and bury his head in his arms. He welcomes the darkness and drifts off in his thoughts.

He met you three years ago, an aspiring soldier. Strong, witty, reliable and all the things one needed in a capable solider. He had appreciated you, your never ending strength and ability to turn every bad situation beneficial for them. Even at the cost of your own self.

He recalls how badly you would get injured in your attempts at saving lives, how you would selflessly give you up your gas to Levi, knowing he would use it better, while completely ignoring the danger you put yourself in. He remembers how you never hesitated even then, going as far as to call titans to you by yelling, in hopes that your comrades could attack them in their distraction.

What an honourable soldier you had been, having devoted everything to your duty. You had easily attracted him to you with those traits.

Initally, it had only been comraderie. But then it had evolved, growing beyond what two people who work together should be like. The two of you struck up a quiet friendship, often spending time with each other outside of work. It had genuinely been to dicuss work, at the start, but then months in, he found himself embracing you the way a lover would, not how a friend should.

There were parts of you that only Erwin learned about, and there were parts of Erwin only you knew and got to keep to yourself. No one else would ever know the secrets between the two of you, the laughs, the jokes, the moments where you could only see each other.

Those were things you had taken to your grave, and Erwin had locked up in the darkest parts of his heart and mind. He would never let anyone know of them. After all, it was the least he could do, even though he knows that you would rather he forget them all, rather then reminisce about them.

Erwin is too selfish to honour that last, unsaid request of yours. He has to at least cling to your memory, for it’s the only thing keeping him from driving himself to the brink of insanity.

No one ever knew about your relationship, and the two of you had been fine that way. Spending time with each other under the guise of work, sneaking kisses after lights out, all of it had been enjoyable. A relationship he hadn’t thought possible had blossomed, one that stuck to him with every thought.

He used to drift off to thoughts of your sweet smile during casual meetings, to the point Levi would threaten to throw him out the window for it. He would plan secret dates, often pretending he was taking you along for work, and take you to nice restaurants. Almost every moment of his spare time had been devoted to you, to enjoy your presence and bask in how you make him feel.

Back then, he had been so lovestruck, so spoiled by your affections, that not a day went by where he could help thinking of you. Not a day went by where he didn’t fall for you more. The warm feeling in his chest at the mere sight of you was love, and he knows that he’ll never experience it for someone else again.

Not a day goes by where Erwin doesn’t miss you. But he also knows that he has no right to, not when he’s the one who got you killed.

Erwin shut his eyes tight, to the point they hurt, as he tries to bury his head in to his arms even further. He wishes there was a way for him to become one with darkness, to never have to open his eyes again and acknowledge that he lives in a world where you don’t exist.

And it’s all because of him.

It had been such a simple mission, an expedition solely to set up check points. They were expecting minimal losses, considering how short the mission would be. There shouldn’t have been anything that went wrong, beyond the usual.

But then there was.

In a spur of the moment deicison, Hange had decided she wanted to try capturing a titan, all on her own. She had run off, with her gas not even half full, towards a 7 meter abnormal titan. He had been about to send Levi after her, only to remember that Levi was in the left flank that day, not the central like usual.

Hange had ended up being surrounded by multiple titans in her chase, and had gotten knocked out. She had hung from a tree, surrounded by titans. At that point, he only had your squad available to help.

It had been a tough decision, he had known. Anyone he sent there was going to die saving Hange, and any sane person wouldn’t bother with saving Hange after that. But, he had been forced to pick.

You were a reliable soldier, but Hange was too brilliant. He had a gut feeling that they would need Hange and her brain more in the future, and Erwin wasn’t one to not follow his instinct. A cold hard fact was that they needed her more then you.

So he demoted you. In mere seconds, you went from being the person who owned his heart, to another replaceable solider.

He had seen the anguish in your eyes, the absolute hurt. You had known you were going off to your death, and that the man you were in love with was sending you there for his own goals. But you didn’t argue.

You could have said that Hange wasn’t worth an eight person squad of skilled soldiers. That Hange had gotten herself in this mess on her own and she was unreliable because of it. But you didn’t make any of those valid points, knowing that Erwin wouldn’t give a damn.

Instead, you took a off, only turning back once to glance at him.

You shot him a look, a sight he had yet to forget. The sheer hatred in your eyes, the betrayal, it had given away how much he had fucked up. It often haunts him in his dreams, knowing he deserves it.

The sight of you getting mauled to death by titans was even worse. It had been the one expedition where he had actually needed to throw up upon getting back to headquarters.

Erwin sits back up, leaning against the chair, his eyes full of an unusual amount of sorrow. He gazes out the window, feeling even worse.

You had loved the full moon, often dragging him out to watch it with you. You would bring snacks, and tea, and just lean against him. The serenity he had felt with you was out of his reach nowt was what made it more painful for him, knowing that he had hand delivered you into the arms of death.

The sight of the full moon reminds him of you, of what he’s lost. He can’t even complain, or curse you out for haunting him like this in death. He did this, he robbed you of your life, robbed himself of a chance at happiness, for his own selfish goals.

He can only reminisce about you, think about the good times he shared with you. But he can never have you back. He can never turn back time and win back the woman who’s one smile made him weak at the knees. Who knew how to make just the right tea he needed to calm down from a frustrated mood. Who could sass Levi to hell and back and not bat an eyelash at the grump man’s violence.

With a deep breath, he forces his himself to pick up the pen again, trying to ignore the heavy feeling in his chest. He begins to write again, resigned to his loneliness and regrets.

Maybe you’ll forgive him once he starts his time in hell. Then again, a devil like him, who sarcficed others for himself, wasn’t even worth forgiveness. Let alone worth you.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Heyooo. So, I know I’m too mean to Erwin, and I have no excuse for it. I might write some fluff for him now. I initally thought of a part 2 from readers point of view, but I don’t know if that’s something anyone would read. Do tell if you liked this!


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